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When Twenty-Eight Years Feels Like Yesterday

There are two types of anniversaries, one would warrant celebratory engagements, the other,
for grieving. We can toast to wedding anniversaries, years on the job, being sober and drug free, and
many more opportunities we’ve been awarded in our lifetime. Then there are the not so celebratory
moments of anniversaries. The anniversary date of a divorce, when we may have lost our job, or worse
yet the loss of a loved one.
What about the loss of a baby, a baby that didn’t get the chance to live outside of the womb?
This is an anniversary that would not warrant a giddy toast followed by laughter and funny stories. No,
this would be a time of possible grief, anger, and shame. As a mother of aborted twins, I have watched
the days on the calendar, waiting for this date July 25th in order to cry out my frustrations on the babies I
didn’t get the chance to love on and raise.
Twenty-four years was a long time to have the same sob story, same wonder, same
uncomfortable discomfort. Not that mourning wasn’t needed, it was, but at what point does the agony
come to healing. After years of self-sabotage, I had to get out of God’s way and let Him fully heal me or
face a lifetime of torturous emotions that could cause further emotional damage. In my previous blogs, I
have shared how God placing abortion recovery in my life released me from the shackles holding me
captive during the aftermath of my abortion. It is by His blood; I have been healed (Isaiah 53:5).
I come to you today on what marks the twenty-eighth year of my abortion anniversary. I can tell
you it literally feels like I could look behind me and see exactly everything that happened on the final day
the three of us were together. If I squint enough, I can feel all the grief riddled pain I felt in my post
abortion hours, days, and years. But what if I told you, today I am celebrating? That everything the devil
meant for evil God turned to good? (Genesis 50:20) That instead of reserving this day for all things I had
done bad on that dreadful day; God shined his light through the darkness and saved me?
Today I celebrate God’s will and His divine intervention in my life. I thank Him wholeheartedly for
taking the wheel and driving me straight to the peace I feel even on this day. I thank God for my twin
boys that I will someday share eternal life with, (John 5:24). I praise God for loving me enough to die for
my sins (Romans 6) and even in my sin of abortion, sit with me in the lion’s den, protecting me from the
evil one (Daniel 6:22). Today as I think about my twins, my heart is full of God’s promise, to never leave
or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).
This is the good news of the Gospel. Our God who sent Jesus to walk this earth and endure
everything we have had to and more. Who sacrificed his all for us and continues to do so, no matter
how deep we feel our sin is. Jesus has already set us free, all we must do is accept it and put in the work
He has set out for us during our salvation; works of seeking His healing of the pain and hurt, forgiveness
for others and ourselves, and the sheer ability to trust God through the entire off-balance journey he
places us in. It isn’t easy, but what about change ever is?
Mother to mother, your life matters. Your baby’s life mattered. God sees you, loves you, feels
your hurt, and weeps with you. (John 11:35; Luke 19:41; Hebrews 5:7-9). You are the precious daughter
of the Most-High who would never want you clocking the calendar with dread in your heart on this day
to come.
I invite you to pray with me:
Father God, we come to you in complete admission of our sins. Lord, thank you for seeing our
choice(s) as it is, sin. That there is no greater sin than the other, not even abortion is too big for you to
handle. God, you sent your only son to shed his blood for our sins, a sacrifice we could never earn and
absolutely didn’t deserve. We thank you for loving us enough. Loving us through. Loving us now. Help us
to trust in you. Lead us to scripture that supports your divine will over our lives, life that you want us to
live abundantly. We cannot achieve this without you. So, Father, when the hard anniversaries hit, help us
to hear your whispers of safety and protection in the quiet. Thank you for weeping with us. Take our eyes
off the calendar and set our eyes upon you. Guide us to seek counsel over the loss of our baby(s) in order
to be set free as you have ordained. You are able Father, help us all to believe in You and receive Your
blessings now and those to come. How we love you. In Jesus, Name, amen.
Yes, your abortion no matter how long ago will always feel like yesterday, but one day, it won’t
hold much weight on your heart. We aren’t strong enough to carry this much baggage, but God is. I pray
you allow Him to move the mountain, open the valley so you too can walk through as a new and restored
mother. A mother who is forgiven, a mother who the Lord longs to set free.
~Tasha Fiedler